Don't make out with my wife yet
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
