You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
