thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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