Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
