she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
