also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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