I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
