I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hippo gnu deer
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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