mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
