it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
