It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
