so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
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I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
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Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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