Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
