The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
