he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fuck appropriateness.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
