When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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