Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
