What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
