There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
