Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
