and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
