my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I AM VODKA MAN
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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