remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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