I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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