I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
