just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
