I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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