I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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