Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
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Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize