if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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