I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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