I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize