I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
