I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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