strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
