Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
