Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
