3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
