Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
