So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
