My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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