Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
