today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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