Can i not drive my cunt home
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
