I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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