You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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