I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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