why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
