Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
