Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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