my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
