I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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