just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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